Sex, Wine, and Pineapple

Three of my favorite things. To some, this may sound like a fun night at home gone a little kinky, but to me, it sounds like a creative baby producing concoction. Each of these things have been reported to jump start labor and, therefore, peaked my interest.

At 38 weeks, I, like most women, am done being pregnant. My diaper bags have been packed for days, my hospital bag has been packed for a month, and my water "bag" has been broken many times over in my dreams. So, I once again turned to my adored pregnancy adviser (Google) for help. How in the hell do I encourage this child to emerge from the womb, yesterday? When I entered that into the search engine, I was overwhelmed with articles relating to evolution and other abstract ideas. With a more conservative approach, I was able to find some interesting suggestions.

Most, however, are not something I would attempt. I may pretend to be a little hard ass, truth is, there no way am I going to withstand needles being strategically placed into my FACE! I will stick with the pineapple. No, I don't want that stuck in my face either, good thing it is only required that you eat it in order for it to aid in boosting contractions. I don't know why and I don't care because I LOVE pineapple. So I'm in.

Sex... hahahaha that's a joke right about now. I mean personally, I wouldn't have sex with myself right now so. Although this sounds like the best suggestion ever, I can't get any action right now, and I don't really want it. Maybe, one of these days we can throw paper bags over our heads and do it for the sake of extracting this fetus, MAYBE!!

Wine, enough said. I will indulge in a glass if need be. I mean only if it is strongly suggested, and judging by the web articles I read, it is! Le vin est bon!

As a last ditch attempt to rid myself of the heartburn, back pain, zipperless under-boob pants, and salt and vinegar chip cravings, and to free others from my superb bitching skills, I will take a gander at these home remedies for pregnancy. If they don't work, plan to avoid me until Layla slides down the exit tunnel, as I will be practicing up on my crazy hormonal train wreck skills until then!