Three of my favorite things. To some, this may sound like a fun night at home gone a little kinky, but to me, it sounds like a creative baby producing concoction. Each of these things have been reported to jump start labor and, therefore, peaked my interest.
At 38 weeks, I, like most women, am done being pregnant. My diaper bags have been packed for days, my hospital bag has been packed for a month, and my water "bag" has been broken many times over in my dreams. So, I once again turned to my adored pregnancy adviser (Google) for help. How in the hell do I encourage this child to emerge from the womb, yesterday? When I entered that into the search engine, I was overwhelmed with articles relating to evolution and other abstract ideas. With a more conservative approach, I was able to find some interesting suggestions.
Most, however, are not something I would attempt. I may pretend to be a little hard ass, truth is, there no way am I going to withstand needles being strategically placed into my FACE! I will stick with the pineapple. No, I don't want that stuck in my face either, good thing it is only required that you eat it in order for it to aid in boosting contractions. I don't know why and I don't care because I LOVE pineapple. So I'm in.
Sex... hahahaha that's a joke right about now. I mean personally, I wouldn't have sex with myself right now so. Although this sounds like the best suggestion ever, I can't get any action right now, and I don't really want it. Maybe, one of these days we can throw paper bags over our heads and do it for the sake of extracting this fetus, MAYBE!!
Wine, enough said. I will indulge in a glass if need be. I mean only if it is strongly suggested, and judging by the web articles I read, it is! Le vin est bon!
As a last ditch attempt to rid myself of the heartburn, back pain, zipperless under-boob pants, and salt and vinegar chip cravings, and to free others from my superb bitching skills, I will take a gander at these home remedies for pregnancy. If they don't work, plan to avoid me until Layla slides down the exit tunnel, as I will be practicing up on my crazy hormonal train wreck skills until then!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
I have a dream...
That one day I will have no cellulite and a perfect bust. Since my pregnancy has smothered those, it has been sure to replace them with outlandish and vivid, yet unbelievably real dreams.
I am one of the numerous people out there who swear up and down that I never really had dreams before. I mean sure, maybe once in a blue moon, but not often and never memorable ones. But since I have been fostering the growth of another being, I have been experiencing what I believe an acid trip to be like.
As I toss and turn and shove pillows in every imaginable pose in order to achieve some sort of comfort, I eventually nod off. That is when the trip begins. Last night, I dreamed that I was at my mom's house with my sister when all of a sudden, I was walking through her yard giving birth. Erica must have delivered the baby while I was still moving along. She was a doll baby, so cute, but still covered in blood and mucous (the baby, of course). I was frantic, but no one else seemed to be in any sort of rush. They slowly packed up the car and we began our hour long drive to the hospital. When we arrived, none of the hospital personnel were in a rush either.
From there we continued to wander the hospital looking for my doctor. While searching, I tried to breast feed her. I remember the pain it caused me and I think I may have really pinched my nips in my sleep. When I was done, I tried to burp her. I had no idea how to. She just kept spitting up stuff and looked like I fed her too much. My mom was yelling at me that I was not doing it right, and then.. I woke up.
Thank god, too, because now I have a whole list of things to ask the doctor at my next appointment. Like how will I really know when it's time to go to the hospital, and how do you burp a baby? I have thought all day about what this dream may have meant and I think I know. I had too much caffeine yesterday. That's it. I can't try to over-analyze these dreams because I have never experienced any of this stuff in reality. I would advise other first time baby mama's to do the same. I don't think I will miss all signs of labor, from what I hear, it feels like losing a limb. It F'in hurts. And I think I will figure out how to burp a baby. Youtube does wonders, ya know.
These dreams are emotional in every way and in a different way every night and I am kind of starting to enjoy them. Every once in a while Todd gets kicked in the shin or slapped in the cheek, but he doesn't get mad because he knows I will have a decent story to tell him in the morning. This is definitely something that the doctors should warn you of because some of the dreams can be rather unsettling. Just pinch your nipple, it hurts, and wake up and all will be normal (and slightly purple) in an instant.
I am one of the numerous people out there who swear up and down that I never really had dreams before. I mean sure, maybe once in a blue moon, but not often and never memorable ones. But since I have been fostering the growth of another being, I have been experiencing what I believe an acid trip to be like.
As I toss and turn and shove pillows in every imaginable pose in order to achieve some sort of comfort, I eventually nod off. That is when the trip begins. Last night, I dreamed that I was at my mom's house with my sister when all of a sudden, I was walking through her yard giving birth. Erica must have delivered the baby while I was still moving along. She was a doll baby, so cute, but still covered in blood and mucous (the baby, of course). I was frantic, but no one else seemed to be in any sort of rush. They slowly packed up the car and we began our hour long drive to the hospital. When we arrived, none of the hospital personnel were in a rush either.
From there we continued to wander the hospital looking for my doctor. While searching, I tried to breast feed her. I remember the pain it caused me and I think I may have really pinched my nips in my sleep. When I was done, I tried to burp her. I had no idea how to. She just kept spitting up stuff and looked like I fed her too much. My mom was yelling at me that I was not doing it right, and then.. I woke up.
Thank god, too, because now I have a whole list of things to ask the doctor at my next appointment. Like how will I really know when it's time to go to the hospital, and how do you burp a baby? I have thought all day about what this dream may have meant and I think I know. I had too much caffeine yesterday. That's it. I can't try to over-analyze these dreams because I have never experienced any of this stuff in reality. I would advise other first time baby mama's to do the same. I don't think I will miss all signs of labor, from what I hear, it feels like losing a limb. It F'in hurts. And I think I will figure out how to burp a baby. Youtube does wonders, ya know.
These dreams are emotional in every way and in a different way every night and I am kind of starting to enjoy them. Every once in a while Todd gets kicked in the shin or slapped in the cheek, but he doesn't get mad because he knows I will have a decent story to tell him in the morning. This is definitely something that the doctors should warn you of because some of the dreams can be rather unsettling. Just pinch your nipple, it hurts, and wake up and all will be normal (and slightly purple) in an instant.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Where in the world is.. my family?
It happened like a sneeze at first. My siblings (those old enough) disbursed into the world kind of all at once. At 24, Chris is one with the land in Hickernell. Says it all in the name of the township, HICK. Surrounded by Amish, he enjoys the bountiful hunting and fishing, and loves to get lost in the woods on his new fourwheeler. Right now he is taking a break from the job he has had since before graduating from Thiel, to obtain his CPA. He can go ahead and do the "Smarty Pants Dance," at any time now!
Erica, 24 as well, wound up back to her roots. She sorts through the tacos to find her meatballs, but is definitely enjoying her experience in Texas! With that crazy brain of hers, cosmetology should be the perfect outlet for all of that creativity. Or, it could go really bad! I can just imagine the 70 year old woman who wears a perm making the mistake of telling Erica to change it up and do what she wants. I hope there is a defibrillator near by when the senior citizen catches the first glimpse of her new Mohawk and shaved lightning bolts! Back to reality with you and your husband, very soon, and trust me, the vacation will be OVER!
O sweet darling, Brittany. I hope you find your place in this world some day. Driving the truck for the family business is great, don't get me wrong, but it will drive you up a wall. With a good ol' butt whooping, you will get into shape. However, this event will have to wait until roughly 6 weeks after I give birth! Get your brass knuckles baby, cuz I'm bringing the Louisville slugger. See you in the ring, but it will be a beating out of love!
Each of us is our very own person, with our own ideals, morals, and values, but we can't deny the bond we have as siblings. We have our secrets from Mom and Dad, and Matt. And so long as we never get into a blowout fight in front of them, the secrets should be safe. I hope. Please don't tell guys. Let's wipe the nose of life and bring those boogies back together!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I know I'm a hypochondriac, but for real this time...
I may throw them out there like gram does her breasts, but how the heck do I know what these "symptoms" mean? Yes, I am guilty of making E.R. trips for what has turned out to be a swollen lymph node, and once for an upper respiratory infection (cold), and to the OB/GYN to be reminded to drink water on a daily basis in order to avoid cramping, but today I SWEAR I had contractions.
Now to the details. I warn that it may get vulgar, but these things are for telling all, right? While in the shower just a few days ago, I was shocked by an abnormal slime. This was something I hadn't seen since waking up the next day, still in my shin-guards, after a soccer game in the rain. The continuation of this occurrence has convinced me, after some superficial googling, that I have began losing my mucus plug. So, of course, I research, again insufficiently, what contractions feel like. Well, now that you mention it, why yes, I believe my abdomen does feel like my chin just after experiencing lower back pain. You know what? My stool is rather loose these last few BM's. HOLY SHNIKES, that was definitely a Braxton Hicks contraction.
This Friday, the 14th I think, I will be 31 weeks into gestation. There is a baby Layla growing inside of my uterus. But what I really want to express is that there is an innocent child wedging it's head between my rib cage and inducing high calorie cravings resulting in disgusting weight gain and serious indigestion. She has drained every ounce of energy from me and helped me to become an even more blunt biatch. I would like to thank her in person after her arrival for the stretch marks on my ass, and I may get her name tattooed right under them some day!
Ten Minutes Later -
I am in true bliss though, and as insensitive as I may pretend to be, I have never felt such honor as I do right now. I still can't believe that God chose me to house another life. (Don't get me wrong, I definitely took part in the creation process,and whew - it was exhaustive!) While I was not up to the challenge initially, I have stepped up to the plate by now. I am captivated my the kicks that I can feel in my back. I always thought a baby was in the stomach. And the somersaults really tickle me pink. To me, this is the craziest experience of my life, and trust that I have survived some crazy shizz!
I am getting fatter and slower by the day, and it's only a matter of time before I, and all of your volunteer mommas, get to meet you, poke you, hold you wrong, and smell your stinky tutor. Layla "blank" Jones, we are so excited for that day to come!
Now to the details. I warn that it may get vulgar, but these things are for telling all, right? While in the shower just a few days ago, I was shocked by an abnormal slime. This was something I hadn't seen since waking up the next day, still in my shin-guards, after a soccer game in the rain. The continuation of this occurrence has convinced me, after some superficial googling, that I have began losing my mucus plug. So, of course, I research, again insufficiently, what contractions feel like. Well, now that you mention it, why yes, I believe my abdomen does feel like my chin just after experiencing lower back pain. You know what? My stool is rather loose these last few BM's. HOLY SHNIKES, that was definitely a Braxton Hicks contraction.
This Friday, the 14th I think, I will be 31 weeks into gestation. There is a baby Layla growing inside of my uterus. But what I really want to express is that there is an innocent child wedging it's head between my rib cage and inducing high calorie cravings resulting in disgusting weight gain and serious indigestion. She has drained every ounce of energy from me and helped me to become an even more blunt biatch. I would like to thank her in person after her arrival for the stretch marks on my ass, and I may get her name tattooed right under them some day!
Ten Minutes Later -
I am in true bliss though, and as insensitive as I may pretend to be, I have never felt such honor as I do right now. I still can't believe that God chose me to house another life. (Don't get me wrong, I definitely took part in the creation process,and whew - it was exhaustive!) While I was not up to the challenge initially, I have stepped up to the plate by now. I am captivated my the kicks that I can feel in my back. I always thought a baby was in the stomach. And the somersaults really tickle me pink. To me, this is the craziest experience of my life, and trust that I have survived some crazy shizz!
I am getting fatter and slower by the day, and it's only a matter of time before I, and all of your volunteer mommas, get to meet you, poke you, hold you wrong, and smell your stinky tutor. Layla "blank" Jones, we are so excited for that day to come!
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